- Respect the mainstream media. They have proven they still are responsible for framing the debate in America over important issues such as the war in Iraq, economic performance, and immigration. When they lie to us or cheat by manufacturing documents, it is for the betterment of all, and we should accept this as the benevolent action it is. After all, they only want what's good for us, and to end the suffering that war brings. Treating CBS with disdain is no longer politik, comrade.
- Respect our immigrants. After all, they are coming here to pursue the American dream, not to take our jobs or threaten us with potential acts of terror. If they come here illegally, remember that we all violate laws every day for minor things, like speeding and reporting our income to the IRS. You have to remember they're only human, so they might need a hand up once they get here. We should be magnanimous and be willing to extend that hand. Oh, and everyone needs to learn to speak Spanish while they're at it; learning a second language is good for you!
- Respect socialism. Most modern industrialized nations have adopted socialism to take care of the needs of their people. For example, it is far better that everyone have free, unfettered access to health care than wastefully using our resources to advance medical research, especially when the research that's desired conflicts with the morals of a large percentage of the populace. It's time for America to catch up with nations like Germany and Sweden, and become a really great place to live, even if you don't have a large income or want to work. Obviously a majority of your fellow citizens already feel this way, witness the election results. Don't fight it; you can't win anyway.
- Respect diversity. Diversity is good. Diversity is an end in itself. Diversity will soothe your conscience over past wrongs dealt to Native Americans, Blacks, Orientals, Mexicans, Muslims and even Canadians promulgated by America's evil white founders. Trumpet the cause of diversity whenever possible and watch as we reap the benefits as a society. Remember, diversity is good. Just don't ask us why, because questioning diversity would mean you are a racist.
- Respect Islam. Christianity has been the dominant force in America's religious makeup for many centuries, but we have to remember there are alternative viewpoints, even if they seem somewhat incompatible with our own and some elements of those other viewpoints are best expressed with violence. It is time for Christianity to step aside and make up for the wrongs it perpetrated on other faiths during the Crusades. We have to remember that Jihadists are just responding to the hopelessness of the economic conditions in the Middle East, caused largely by American Imperialism. We need to let them have their say. Venting is good for the soul.
- Respect the United Nations. They have the best shot at achieving consensus among world leaders such as Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Il, Bashar Al-Assad and Hillary Clinton. What could be better for the world than the democratic process of the U.N. and U.N. peacekeeper troops sent to world trouble spots? Surely we cannot expect the United States to act as the world's police force without having the blessing of the United Nations to legitimize it. It is far more important that there first be consensus rather than rash acts taken by the world's most powerful nation in its own interest. And if it seems to be taking a long time to reach that consensus, remember that all viewpoints must carefully be considered and given equal weight, regardless of who is espousing them.
- Respect the goals and agendas of America's educators. The best people to set the political agenda in America are the learned folks in places such as the University of Michigan or the California university system. Pay special attention to the east-coast Ivy-league schools such as Harvard. Remember that if you were as smart as these people were, you'd be signing your name with a doctoral prefix. Leave the thinking to these people; they've conclusively proven to themselves that they're the best at it.
- Respect the environment. It's time to realize that the best way to go forward is to give something back to Mother Earth. Let us not risk the life of another sea creature by drilling for oil in places where we haven't already. Remember, oil drilling leads to the burning of fossil fuels, which is the single largest man-made contribution to climate change on Earth, perhaps even a measurable fraction of other forces like variance in the sun's output and global weather cycles that have existed for millions of years.
- Respect Hollywood. The men and women who entertain us on television each night have a unique perspective on the problems we face as a nation, and they are among the few of us who are wealthy enough and conscientious enough to bring matters such as stem cell research to light. We should encourage them to testify before Congress more frequently; after all, it is experts like Susan Sarandon who are best qualified to explain to our legislators why the situation in the Middle East is so grave and deserves our dollars, rather than our bullets. Remember, if violence worked to resolve problems, then Israel would be at peace today.
- Respect yourself. Remember, it is not what you can give to the country, rather it is what you can do to make sure that the wealthy give to the country. You are just a working person putting your time in on the job, you should be able to come home after a hard day and relax. Have respect for your own need for downtime, and don't stress yourself out worrying about global issues out of your control. Why concern yourself when it is so clear that the real experts are now in charge? Just sit back, relax and have a Budweiser, my friend, while our elected leaders in Congress work hard to make America the working class mecca it should be, and punish those who would profit unfairly by your efforts.
I hope this clears up for you the matter of how the majority of your fellow citizens feel you should be living. Take these lessons to heart; we're likely to be led by Democrats for the next decade at least.
